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Monday, November 03, 2003

being a child and having to deal with...
*being picked up from school during class in the second grade by a mother who likes to show her ass (in front of your class) and riding in the car for a full day unaware that you and your siblings are about to be sleeping on the lanoleum floor of your aunts singlewide while your mother rides off into the sunset...
*spotting your mother 6 months later, when riding with your aunt and grandmother, at a hotel with some man that isn't the father of you or your siblings...
*living on a bus in the backyard of your stepfather's mother's house
*witnessing numerous men come and go in your mother's life and seeing the blood and bruises they leave when they are through with her...
*being tossed around from family to family
*being drug from one church to another for handouts and charity only to get attached to the people while knowing that you would soon be meeting new church folk...
*having to walk down a steep as hill (road) with a blinding curve lugging an adult size suitcase, holding the hand of your baby sister while walking home in the dark because your mother forgot to come and pick you up after returning to church from a week at church camp...only to get there and find her and the man that just recently beat her, drunk and having a good time...
*living with a preacher and his family and not being able to even watch cartoons because they contained messages from the devil...
*never unpacking your things because you know that your mother will be telling you that you are going to move again in a few weeks...
*losing all your shit time and time again because your mom needed to split asap...
*hearing your mother tell the cable guy, when he is there to hook up your cable, that you are the neighbors' kid because you didn't know that they were looking for your mom becauseshe used a fake name...
*being told by a friend of yours that your mother was at a party once that his dad was having right before he got busted with cocaine...
*being told, by your mother years later, that she narked on people one christmas so that she could get some money to buy us christmas presents...
*waking up many mornings to find a cop in your kitchen, and months later hear that that cop was arrested for child abuse...
*years later, find out that the child abused was a good friend of yours...
*not knowing what or who to believe in your family because of all of the lies and f*cked up memories...
*knowing that your real father was a great man (the one that couldn't handle being treated like dirt) and hearing your mother lie about him and put him down all the time...
*repeatedly hearing your mother lie to your father about not being there when he wanted to come and pick you up and spend time with you
*being told that your mother hates you because she is jealous of you...
*having an uncle that seriously thinks that aliens are trying to kill him because flys continue to die on his window...
*falling in love for the first time and giving it your all only to be used and abused (verbally) by them too...
*when you finally get to a point in your life when things seem to be looking up and then you find out that your grandmother, guardian, and friend has cancer and is going to die...
*being chose last, time and time again, by your mother when a man is involved...
*hearing, from your mother, that her boyfriend said to choose him or her kids, then sit back and watch her pick him...
*still having to deal with your mother living this way (and her men still saying those words) even though you are now an adult...
*being there for everyone and not being appreciated...
*never being the one that is right during an argument...
*not being able to remember one good thing from your childhood
*not being able to remember much of your childhood at all
*having such a clouded mind right now that i can't remember anything else, but believe me, there's more...

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT DOESN'T SUCK...
*through all of this, learning that i will never be the woman that my mother is...
*graduating from high school while working two jobs and taking care of my dying grandmother...
*being the first one in my family to graduate from high school
*being crowned princess at your high school where only the children of faculty members, and children from good homes, reigned...
*being voted the friendliest person in your senior class, although you would think that my past would make me the harshest person ever...
*being the first one in your family to attend college
*putting yourself through college
*being about to graduate from college with two bachelor's degrees
*owning my own home
*owning my own business
*being madly in love, for over 7 years now, with a man that respects me, adores me, and lets me be me

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